This is perhaps one of the most personal posts ever written on this blog. Ugh, I really don’t know where to begin , because there’s so much - and it’s so complicated. I don’t even know if I can write it in words , thoughts are buzzing around in my head and it’s an eternal chaos. I almost can’t distinguish between reality and imagination anymore. Not fantasy in the sense that I look at things like a fairy tale,but fantasy in the sense that I wonder what in my life is normal and what should not have been a case .
Well, this is something I haven’t talked to anyone about , so it’s incredibly difficult for me to write this. I’m a person who has a bad habit of closing all my feelings inside me . I put on a smile and convince myself that I’m fine, day on day , week on week , month on month. I’ve done this so long that I now have “hit rock bottom ” as you so fine call it in English. I look negatively on absolutely everything, even something as simple as eating - I just think , why? Why should I eat? It can certainly go 6-7 hours before I make my first breakfast . Even the easiest things seems to be heaviest , I can sit on the couch and think that I need to put on a machine with clothes for hours . It only takes five minutes to do it, but it ‘s just that I can’t get myself started on the task . I sleep probably 12 hours every day , but I never feel that I get enough sleep . It’s probably a lot to do with that I’m not working or something, I don’t have procedures in life - but I can’t get any routines before I have things in order in my head . And that’s where I’m stuck , because I don’t know how to make sense of things in my head when I can’t even put my finger on exactly what it is that makes me feel like this. It ‘s not like things are so incredibly bad and everything that happens in my life is affecting me , because it ‘s people who have it a hundred times worser than me , but I’m just really depressed and every little thing make sure I have it worse . In addition, I repressed everything so long , that now everything is blowing like a bomb in my face , and I imagine that the easiest way out is to give up everything. Basically not caring about anything , simply .
I feel in a way that I’ve failed in life. Imagine, that at the age of 17 years , I feel that my life is a failure I have no longer interest in any activities of any kind, I’m just not intrested. I watch TV, I just sit and stare and without once getting to what is happening. I struggle with my self-confidence at the moment, although I really am suitably pleased , I feel that everything could’ve been so much better. I’ve tried to start training again , but I’m too tired and I’m constantly overthinking too much about other things . Basically , I know that everything will work out eventually, but the feeling that nothing goes your way, and that you feel like the whole world is working against you, it ‘s no good to sit with . I often find myself crying. I don’t know why, but it feels right to cry , even though I don’t know why I do it. Things have even been so bad that I’ve hurt the people around me , even though I have been aware of it . I have put the blame on others and not seen my own mistakes and what I ‘ve done wrong . I realize that the problem is me. I have thoughts that I even get scared of what I think, and that’s not me at all . Thoughts on how I can end my miserable life , cause who around me cares anyway ? It’s just thoughts, so it ‘s not like I get to do it - but from what I understand and read a little about , it’s normal to think that way when you are in a very heavy period . I’m not myself, and I haven’t been it in a while.
Today I went to the doctor in fact , at the request of my mum , and he concluded that I have depression based on what he explained. The thought has crossed my mind a few times, but I denied it to myself every time . I somehow thought ” me , depressed ? Haha no, it can’t be possible” I just pretended that I was quite ok . I’m gonna see a psychologist next week , it’s probably smart to have someone to talk to and who can give you advice and tips . I just hope things get brighter soon :)
I hope you guys understand that I don’t have it so easy these days, is enough for me. I ‘m sure there are many who have it the way I have it now, basically a real shit time. Where it seems like things will never get better and that you are stuck . But there ‘s always a light at the end of the tunnel!
Why do I feel like this? I just need a break from this and all
Thanks babe, that’s so sweet of you!
Aw, cute! Liam. x
Hahah! Babe, I’m not one of the boys, sorry.
Thanks baby! And yeah sure. x